You can lead a man to Congress but you can't make him think.
I used to be Snow White but I drifted.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die your soul goes up on the...
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
By all means let's be open-minded but not so open-minded that our brains...
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife...
Everybody knows how to raise children except the people who have them.
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own...
I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
All generalizations are false including this one.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going but I'm on my way.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
All right everyone line up alphabetically according to your height.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel so that when you yell the...
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender but you don't have a top for...
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me I'm afraid of widths.
I always wanted to be somebody but now I realize I should have been more...
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Housework can't kill you but why take a chance?